


It Had to Be Me

by DragonBaby2559



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Danika is a disaster of a human being, Depression, F/M, Father Figures, How is she gonna be the one to save the world, Kaidan was killed on Virmire, Legion is dead, Love, Marauder Shields is an important character, Mordin is dead, Nightmares, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, if she can't even flirt with her crush, it's real bad, like seriously, terrible flirting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-06 05:13:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15187562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonBaby2559/pseuds/DragonBaby2559
Summary: Danika Shepard has been through so much in her life. When she is faced with the threat of the galaxy being destroyed, she finds solace in her best friend. Too soon, due to a choice she made, she is separated from her first love. After her first death, she finds herself falling for a certain Turian she had not considered anything more than a friend. However, as is the way with war, there are many who are lost, and Danika must come to terms with the fact that she cannot keep every promise she makes. Faced with the weight of two promises, she must choose which promise is more important.





	1. Ruminations of a Dead Woman

**Author's Note:**

> If someone were to tell me that three weeks after I began and finished the Mass Effect trilogy that I would have three fanfiction ideas in my head and I would be publishing one of them on here, I would have laughed in their face. Mass Effect sort of came out of nowhere for me and has made a huge impact on my psyche in the last three weeks. 
> 
> However, now I present my first Mass Effect Fanfiction. I appreciate any and all feedback that you can give, so please do. Enjoy!

_Someone else might get it wrong._

I forced myself to repeat the phrase as a mantra with every step towards the beam. I have to stop the Reapers. I have to keep my promise. _I have to keep my promise._ At first it was one promise: Save the galaxy. I was naïve to think Virmire would be the hardest decision I would have to make. I was naïve to think that I could save Kaiden. **I was naïve**.

I pushed the thought away with fervor as I continued to approach the beam to the Citadel. I was battered and broken after taking that Reaper’s laser to my face. I winced as I stepped on my very broken ankle once more. _Boy, I will need a good, long shore leave after this._ I smirked at the thought. Or maybe that was another wince. Step after agonizing step, the beam glowed brightly in my vision. It was almost too bright to make out the shape of three husks coming around a pile of rubble to my right. I slowly lifted my right arm which weakly held a pistol. Aiming would be tough, but I was hoping it would take more than an insta-death Reaper laser to dull my skills. Five bullets left the pistol in my hand. One went towards the rubble on my left, one towards the rubble on my right ( _Man, that’s a lot of rubble. It will take years to clean all of this up_ ), and the last three planted themselves expertly in the heads of the husks. Maybe Garrus would have won the can shooting match if he would have forced me to go up against a Reaper, head on, beforehand. _Garrus_.

Memories flashed before my mind. Good, bad, mediocre, stressful, fun, calm, and everything in between. Only once before today had something like this happened. In fact, it was a year ago today. _As soon as this is over, I’m requesting the Alliance stop sending me on “_ just normal _” mission_ s. Anyway (isn’t it great when you can’t control your train of thought), one year ago today I died. I’m still coming to terms with that. _I have already died once_. Despite my inability to come to terms with this fact, I knew full well where I would end up by the end of the day.

A sound ripped me from my rumination. I slowly lifted my right hand towards the ever-closer beam. My vision blurred a bit as consciousness began to fade from my grasp. Forcing myself to once again regain my composure, I focused on the pistol in my hand. It was a corporeal item I hoped would tether me to my task. The pistol was a simple, non-millitary issues, un-modified piece of shit that had seen better days. The reality that no one who should have been on the front lines would carry this weapon hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears threatened to flow freely. This war has gone on too long and has dragged too many innocents into the cross fire. I pushed the tears back as I took one more step towards the beam and was confronted with the mutated crest of a marauder. One glance told me his shields were no stronger than a normal marauder. I’m calling seven shots.

* * *

 

God damn it! I almost emptied my entire clip on him. A few **BAD** shots barely chipped the marauder’s shields before I finally took them down, the marauder falling shortly after. I checked my clip. One bullet left. One bullet that will have to be placed pretty damn well to finish this war. The thought brought one more smirk to my lips as I thanked the heavens that humor wasn’t lost on me in my sorry state. I took three more labored steps and reached the beam to the Citadel. I turned my head back to where the Hammerhead had been before the Reaper fired its laser. How long had it been since he left? Shaking the though off, lest I abandon my mission on a whim, I turned back towards the light, blinded as I continued forward.

I have to keep my promise. Only a few hours ago, one promise became two: Save the galaxy and come back alive. Somehow, only one of them seemed like a tall order. How hard is it to stop a war? Mordin saved the Krogan and dramatically changed the Krogan/Salarian relationship. Legion stopped the war between the Geth and Quarians. They both gave their lives for the lives of many. To stop a war requires sacrifice. The only thing I was certain of as I stepped into the bean was that I will eventually have to break a promise, and I knew which one would be broken.

Reaffirming my course of action before arriving on the Citadel, I repeated my mantra once more.


	2. Flirting with Disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the late post. I had a thing for school over the weekend, but I didn't have any time to write, nor access to internet. I will be getting into an actual schedule for posting starting this Friday. So, a few days late, here is the next chapter to my first Mass Effect fanfic. If you enjoy, please leave a comment!

_It’s dark. Very dark. Bodies are all around me. Where am I? I don’t know this place, but it feels important. I need to move and scout out my surroundings; This could be an ambush. I’m not gonna fail Anderson now by being shot in the back. Just one step. Come on! Ugh, this is worthless… Let’s look around a bit and see what is in the immediate vicinity. Heavens, that’s a lot of bodies. Human bodies? None of them are moving. What happened here? Wait a sec, it that a Keeper? I thought they were only on the Citadel. It’s sort of their job to run around there. So, why is one here? Unless… THIS is the Citadel? There is no way. If I could just take a step, maybe I could do some investigating, but my damn feet won’t move!! This is infuriating! Hmph, I guess I’ll just wait here with the corpses… What was that noise? Is it getting closer? From behind me? No, where is it coming from? Shit! I have to get out of here! I have to run! I’m no good dead! It’s getting closer! Damn it, JUST MOVE!!_

* * *

 

I shot up from the bed, heart beating a mile a minute. I quickly reached for my pistol that I have kept dutifully under my pillow since Mindoir and scanned the room from my perch on the top bunk of the Women’s crew quarters. My breathing was still erratic as I assessed the situation I was in. A nightmare. Shit, I thought I’d gotten over those. It had been months since my last nightmare. They usually were about Mindoir, though, not whatever that was. I put my right hand to my eyes and pressed firmly on my eyelids while I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. Recalling a vid on dreams and the hidden messages within them, I tried to remember my dream, but it seemed to dissipate from memory as soon as it had come. I just remember being terrified. There was something there with me, but I never learned what it was. How can I figure out why I had the dream if I don’t know what was chasing me? It’s no question why Mindoir has been in my nightmares for years, but what was this dream for? I continued trying to remember the dream for a few more minutes before sighing loudly and flopping back down onto my bed in disappointment. I can kill slavers with deadly accuracy from almost 100 meters away but heaven forbid I be able to remember a dream!

The last thing I wanted to do was go back to sleep but I also had no want to get up. I tried to strike a happy medium by looking at the ceiling of the crew quarters. Over the last year on board the SSV Normandy, I had gotten used to the empty feeling I got every time I woke up. A feeling that left me enfolded in memories and dark thoughts. Dr. Chakwas had tried to help me in our once a week therapy sessions, to no avail, as I tried to take my life in the airlock six weeks after my appointment on the Normandy. That was not exactly the best way to celebrate my new position as Executive Officer, looking back on it now. I gave myself a rueful smile at the thought. It’s a miracle anyone had followed me after that. However, the entire crew seemed to understand, or at least not fault me for my decision. Dr. Chakwas told me after the fact that the entire crew had been briefed on my past prior to my arrival. My entire past. It had been embarrassing at first knowing that every person I passed on the ship knew what happened to my colony, my parents, and me. Eventually, that feeling passed and turned into a comradeship that was irreplaceable in my heart.

Captain Anderson in particular had become like a father figure. I remember with fond sadness the day I was released from the med bay after my suicide attempt. Anderson was leaning on a table in the open mess hall, staring at the floor with a look that I hadn’t been able to place at the time. When the door from the med bay opened, I was able to catch only a glimpse of this pose before he straightened up, releasing his hands from their grip on the table and strode over to me, his expression blank. He stopped just in front of me and looked down at me with his chocolate brown eyes before sweeping me up in a hug, making it impossible for either of us to see the other crying. This interaction was the only thing that constantly stopped me from engaging in my dark thoughts each morning when I woke up.

I continued looking at the ceiling and shifting through memory after memory as the crew alarm went off, causing me to jump at the sudden change of atmosphere in the room. All of a sudden, the 20 girls I shared a room with were rustling in their blankets, ruining my ruminations. Clearing my head with a deep breath, I swung my legs over the side of the bunk and pushed myself off the bed, landing gracefully on the ground next to my bunk mate, Cassandra. She looked at me with a slight quirk on her lips in a tired “good morning.” I gave her a large toothy grin as I headed to my locker, put on my officer’s jacket, and turned back to the ladies in the room. They were a motley bunch of ragtag soldiers. None of us looked like we should be holding a position on the crew of the newest prototype in Alliance stealth frigates, but here we were.

“Good morning, ladies!” I slipped into my commanding voice easily despite the early time of morning. I assumed it was due to the indeterminate amount of time I spent awake prior to the alarm ringing, but none of the girls needed to know about that. I do have an image to keep up. “The time is,” I checked my omni-tool quickly, “0501. Report to the mess hall for breakfast in 10 minutes. At 0530 we will have our morning briefing before setting off for the day. Dismissed.” The women in front of me released themselves from attention before setting off for their lockers and then the restrooms. A ping on my omni-tool brought my attention to a message from Anderson.

Important addition to the briefing at 0530

Make sure everyone is there

Anderson

I closed the message before once again calling the girls to attention and stressing the importance of the briefing now that the admiral would be joining us. Dismissing them once again, I reopened my locker and grabbed my belt and the bracelet my mother gave me three days before the attack on Mindoir. Attaching the belt to my waist and the bracelet to my wrist, I called Joker to tell him I would be making a stop to the bridge before breakfast. With my essentials gathered, I approached the door towards the mess hall.

Usually no one is out in the mess hall besides for the cook before 0505, so I was surprised to see Kaidan standing right outside the ladies’ quarters when the door opened. I tried hard to hold my surprise, but found I was unable to when Kaidan’s eyes rose from the packet of papers in his hand to meet mine.

“Kaidan!” My voice was higher than normal and it caught me off guard. Not wanting to sound like a schoolgirl with a crush, I cleared my throat quickly and not very discreetly before continuing. “What are you doing here?” _Much better. Good save, Danika!_

His eyes still pierced mine as he answered my question. “I’m… standing?” Or, didn’t answer my question. I realized at this point we were both uncomfortable with this situation so I made a decision to mess with him a bit.

“Well, Kaidan, usually upstanding members of the crew aren’t found creepily standing outside the ladies’ quarters when they apparently have no reason to be there.” I gave him a cheeky smirk, showing him that I was only playing.

“You wound me, ma’am! I’m hardly creepy. Am I?” He had been playing along with me before he became unsure of himself. This was always the cutest version of Kaidan. No bells and whistles, no ceremony, and no overly formal attitude, just Kaidan.

I gave him a bigger smile as I walked toward him and placed my hand on his shoulder. He eyed me suspiciously, begging for more information from me. Seeing his expression change from suspicion to confusion, to nervousness, I laughed raucously before patting him on the shoulder. _Oh god, did I just do that? Why would I do that? And then I laughed in his face! He probably thinks I’m a crazy person. And now he’s looking at me and expecting me to say something and I can’t do anything. Heavens, I’m an idiot!_ Looking once more into his eyes, I felt a blush creep up my cheeks as I realized that I just patted my crush on the shoulder. I had to think of something that would get me out of this hole I dug for myself. In an act of desperation, I picked up my jaw that had decided to gape like a fish during my inner monologue and patted Kaidan on the shoulder twice more before turning in a direct 90 degree angle and heading towards the stairs on my left, straight-faced and back straight as a rail, walking like an ungreased mech.

I got to the stairs and began to hoist myself up them with the railing, refusing to look back at Kaidan. I kicked myself the entire way up the stairs for that absolutely horrific display of Danika Shepard failing at flirting with her crush. I am not even sure how I’m going to recover from that one. It was hardly the first time my flirting has gone wrong, but it was definitely not the worst. I quickly pushed away a memory that included a vid “date” with Kaidan and some now-traumatized fish that were desperately in need of a new home after it fell off my bed and shattered on Kaidan’s head, causing him to fall unconscious for six hours. Dr. Chakwas almost died from laughing when I recounted the incident to her for the logs.

Reaching the top of the stairs, I tried to recollect myself before heading through the door. As much as I would like to believe I looked like my normal self, heading to the bridge to see my best friend before the daily brief, I probably looked like I’d just stepped into a bog and now have at least one frog in my boots. This made the walk to the bridge feel terribly long as Navigator Pressly eyed me on my walk of shame from the door all the way to the bridge. I was practically sweating by the time I reached Joker.

“Do not tell me that your conversation with Kaidan looked worse than it sounded!” Joker’s voice came through the door, loudly, immediately upon my entering.

“I knew it! How long have you been spying on me?” As much as I wasn’t surprised, it didn’t stop my voice from raising the slightest bit in pitch after being reminded once again that our conversation did in fact just happen.

“About 5 and a half months, but who’s counting?” Joker shrugged, still not bothering to look towards me.

“5 and a half… but…” I tried to find words to express my disbelief. Kaidan has been serving in the Alliance Marines for years, but he was only assigned to the Normandy six months ago with the new crew. The fact that my crush on Kaidan has been not so secret for almost the entire six months that he has been with me brought another blush to my cheeks.

“Now, now, Shepard, there’s no need to get flustered.” Joker turned around in his chair to look at me for the first time since we started our conversation. He had a shit-eating grin on his face that reminded me why I was immediately great friends with the pilot. What he said next knocked me from my reverie, however. “The entire crew has been placing bets on which of you would be the next one to end up in the med bay after one of your ‘dates.’”

“The entire crew knows about this!”

“Yeah, even Anderson is in on the bets. He thinks that you will most definitely be the next one to get hurt. My money is on Kaidan, though, because you’re deadly whether you’re on the battlefield or off!” Joker laughed maniacally as I stared at him, slack-jawed, and pivoted in his seat so he was once again facing the front.

I had no idea how to even respond to that. Anderson! Anderson knows about my crush on Kaidan Alenko! The whole crew knows about my crush on Kaidan Alenko! This train of thought finally brought me to the one question I knew I had to ask. “Does Kaidan know?” If there was any time to believe in a god, now would be it, because unless they were merciful, my life was over.

Joker stopped typing on the holographic faced keyboard in front of him and SLOWLY turned around to face me. The scene would have been comedic had my entire social life on the Normandy not been in jeopardy. He gave me one more shit-eating grin before answering my question.

“Danika, I did say the WHOLE crew.”

Before I knew what I was doing, I was running out of the bridge, completely mortified. There was only one thing I knew I had to do. I had to see Kaidan!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to leave a huge thanks to magentacat1, KDS1, and 8_Palaven_8 for leaving kudos! It means so much to me!

**Author's Note:**

> *Tags will be updated as the fic is updated*  
> Thank you for reading the first chapter of my fic. I have been thinking about writing this for a couple of days now and finally sat down and just did it. If you enjoyed the first chapter, please leave a comment!! I plan to release chapters every Monday and Friday.


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